Where Did My Good Go?

This has been a really hard week for me. I've been trying so hard to be positive and happy and I've just lost it. Monday I had my prenatal appointment and it didn't go as I expected. I was late to the appointment. Tyler took the van into the shop that morning and it was supposed to be finished before we had to leave, but of course it wasn't. I ended up driving there by myself and Tyler was going to try and meet me there. I was late. So when I left my sample, I was a little distracted and frazzled. That's the last time I remember having my wedding ring for sure. Who knows where it is now. I lost my wedding ring. I'm heartbroken. I'm depressed. Every time I think about it I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry.

I know it's just an object. I lost the symbol of my marriage, but I still have my wonderful husband whom I love and adore. It's just a symbol. I didn't lose the love of my life. That's what matters, right? I'm still heartbroken. I loved that ring. I love that ring.


I'm trying to regain my positive attitude. I'm trying not to be discouraged. I'm trying not to let the negativity around me, the crazy pregnancy hormones, and the sadness from losing my ring get to me. I know people are just waiting for me to pop. I feel the pressure. I know that if I don't have the baby soon, I will have no one to help me afterwards. Where I once was calm and confident I am now nervous and anxious. I want the good feelings back! I don't mind waiting but apparently if Scarlett waits too long, I will pay for it. I don't want to feel that way. I just want to feel relaxed and happy again. I miss those feelings of security. And I miss my ring. I'm having trouble sleeping at night and I'm just so tired and frustrated and sad.

Say a little prayer for me. Think good thoughts and send some hope my way.

Love to you all.

Almost There...

39 Weeks.

It's been an interesting week.
I get an e-mail every week updating me on my pregnancy from the bump.com. This is what Week 39 said:

Hang in there -- you're almost done! Predicting a due date isn't an exact science (and can make for some pretty lucrative wagering), but there are definite signs that the time is near. Look for the bloody show, the passing of the mucous plug, diarrhea, nausea, energy spurts, contractions, and breaking of the water.

I don't want to be graphic, so I'll just say that I feel labor is pretty close... I'm getting pretty excited about it too. I just keep wondering what she will look like. I woke up the other day with that feeling you get when you're a kid and Christmas is near, except my gift is much more precious than anything you can buy in a store. I will be holding my baby girl soon. Definitely, one way or the other, within the next three weeks!

I've had "practice labor" almost every night. I didn't think I'd make it to today, honestly. I'm okay with it, because I'm still holding out for an April baby, but my mother is very disappointed. She often puts her head by my belly and says, very sternly, "Scarlett, come out!" I keep telling her that she'll come when she's good and ready. I hope I don't have some kind of mental block that is keeping my labor from progressing. I'm kinda stressed about where and with whom Derek will be while we are in the hospital. I don't want him to be scared or feel abandoned or anything. It seems like all our family members are busy, sick, or live too far away. So every time my contractions get within 10 minutes of each other I start to worry.

The other day my sister called Scarlett, "Red," in a comment on Facebook. Since then, I've had several dreams where red is a major theme. In one, Scarlett was born, fully dressed in a blue gingham dress and she looked more like a 6 month old than a newborn. She looked like a mix between my niece, Zayaa, Derek, and my little sister, Sabrina, at that age. Her face shape was like Zayaa, flaming red hair like Sabrina, with Derek's features but with bright blue eyes. The hair was incredible.

The other one that made a huge impression on me was from my nap yesterday. In my dream I expected to see red bedding in her room but saw the bedding that I picked out instead. I was incredulous! How could I make such a huge oversight! Scarlett needs scarlet bedding! I woke up frantic about switching my whole plan for her room. I started looking online for new ideas and found two that I love. I thought that I would snap out of it but I am really excited about the new looks! What do you think? Here are the two choices:

Sundae Bedding

Delilah Bedding

(Leave your vote on the poll to the right, between the Friends and Family lists!)

Maybe I'll post again after my prenatal appointment tomorrow. Or MAYBE my next post will be my birth story! We'll see, I guess! Love to you all!

38 Weeks and Counting

38 Weeks

I still feel great! Well, for the most part, I feel great. Saturday night was a terrible terrible night. I don't know what was going on but I had heartburn, nausea, and a crazy burst of anxious energy. I didn't fall asleep until 7am. I was pretty out of it on Sunday. I had a crazy week last week, so that might have contributed. Monday, both Derek and I had doctor appointments that I stressed over being on time for. Tuesday morning, my brother, Dan, called to tell us that Choka was in labor and that he was taking her to the hospital. So my mom and I went over there to help out. Mom went to the hospital with them and I watched their 3 other adorable children. I felt honored to be the one watching them, but boy, it wore me out! Choka had a beautiful baby girl, Ulzii, at 5:49pm. We were so excited to welcome our new little niece to the world. She's just a little doll!!!

I had a really hard time getting out of bed on Wednesday but I did and I helped my mom with the Walker kids that day as well. Tyler and I also attended the HypnoBirthing class that we missed the first time around. It was pretty funny, our instructor was talking and the clock said 8:30 but it hadn't been changed for daylight savings! So we got out of class a little bit later than we normally would have. Somebody finally pointed it out to her and she hurried to finish, but we were all ready late getting out. I didn't mind, but Tyler wanted to get out of there. We sold one of our couches that day and the buyer wanted to pick it up that night and Tyler was a little nervous about making it home.

I don't remember much of Thursday. I think I probably was in bed all day. I don't really remember. Friday I was stressed out all day. I knew I had to have my house clean and I was so stressed out about the baby shower. The invitations didn't get sent out until a couple of days before the party and I was just worried about the whole thing coming together. I went out with my mom and Choka to get decorations and food. I know I'm crazy, but I really wanted frog-eyed-salad so I stayed up all night making it. I didn't need to worry so much, but I didn't know how to just relax.

Saturday morning, I woke up just a few hours after I went to bed so that I could finish cleaning up downstairs. Tyler got up and ordered me back to bed. What a sweet husband!! He took care of the cleaning and even got Derek all ready for the day.

The baby shower went great! I shouldn't have worried so much. We had a great turn out for such short notice and I really really appreciate everyone who came or who tried or who just supported from afar. I also really appreciate my Mom, Choka, and our friend, Becca, for throwing a beautiful baby shower to celebrate the upcoming birth of my baby girl (and of course my husband who did a lot of the hanging of decorations)!

Enjoying the delicious food!

Everything was absolutely beautiful!

Thank you, everyone! I really appreciate all the love and support! I feel truly blessed!

***

I had another prenatal appointment this morning. I am 2+ cm dilated, 70% effaced and she's still in -2 station. She's in the right position for birth though so I'm THRILLED! I've been getting stronger contractions in the last couple of days but still nothing labor-like. My mom has been "walking" me, trying to get me started. She even offered to buy me the ring I want if I go into labor today. Haha. Funny Mom. If it only worked like that. I'm fine waiting but she is getting very anxious. We walked in the mall today and as we were on our last lap, we walked by a dad with his two kids. As we were passing the little family, he looked back at the little girl who was following him and said, "Hurry up, Scarlett. Come on!" WEIRD and kinda awesome, right? I'm very excited about Scarlett coming, but I'd like her to be fully developed and ready before she makes her debut. I'm really in no hurry, honestly. We'll see what the week brings.

(I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense. I tried to re-read it but I am exhausted so I'm giving up. I probably rambled. Forgive me.)

Happy Birthday, My Little Peanut

Derek turned 2 on Wednesday!! I can't believe I have a 2 year old, well, I can actually. He's got crazy energy and a very strong will. We celebrated a week ago with a "KACHOW" birthday party. Derek loved it. He was especially thrilled with the everybody singing to him. It was adorable.

Derek is such a cutie. He loves playing MarioKart, which he calls "Go-Go" and his Cars video game. He is actually pretty good at MarioKart but he usually doesn't place in the race because he gets distracted and wants to hit all the bananas and crates and go off all the jumps. (Did I all ready blog about this? I feel like I did. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself.) He says things like, "I'm gonna get you!" and "I want carseat; Mommy come!" I love it when he says, "It's not working!" or "I got you, I got you!" So funny.

He's also such a sweet little thing. He gives lots of hugs and kisses. I love it when he pats my back. I wasn't feeling very good the other day and he just patted my arm and said, "Ok, Mommy. I'm sorry." He's just adorable. He is a ball of energy, though. I'm exhausted trying to keep up with him. It's also really hard to get him to eat anything. He goes through phases; sometimes he eats great and sometimes he just plain refuses. I don't want to give him any eating complexes but I also want him to get what he needs! It's a little frustrating.

He still loves to sing and dance. He loves Cars, Nemo, and Toy Story. He also still loves Wow Wow Wubbzy and Ni-Hao Kai-lan. His favorite book right now is, "The Going to Bed Book" by Sandra Boynton and his favorite game on the iPod Touch is "Pocket God."

We're working on colors right now and the alphabet. We spell his name and now every time he sees any writing he says, "D-E-R!" He also is getting the counting thing down. I'm also trying to teach him about "inside voices," which is not going as well as I'd like it to go.

He's a delightful little thing and I love him!! I'm so happy and proud to be his mother. I am truly blessed. He amazes me every day. Happy Birthday, my baby boy! Mommy loves you!!!

(I just thought this picture was funny and I love it. Choka and I wore the same thing to Derek's birthday party. It's the last picture we have together that we are both pregnant. My mom says this is a picture of her and her "grand-maternal" twins. Hahaha.)

Weeks 35, 36, and 37

Week 35

Two days after taking the above picture, I got really sick. Monday night, after Derek went to bed, my chest started hurting. I thought it was just because Scarlett was still a little high and pushing on my lungs and I hadn't really slept a lot the week before. Tuesday morning I woke up with a huge headache, then I tried to move and realized my whole body was one big ache. It was a horrible horrible day. I had a wicked cough that was not normal. It was painful every time I moved, coughed, or Scarlett kicked. By the end of the day, the upper part of my back was sore. I made it through Tuesday and Wednesday morning I took a trip to the doctor. Bronchitis. They gave me antibiotics.

Derek started acting sick. He had some kind of cold that the rest of the family quickly caught. So I had bronchitis and then some other crazy thing on top of it. We watched a lot of movies and took a lot of naps. The only time I got up was to get Derek something to eat or drink. It was a really difficult week.

Week 36

I was still not feeling up to par last week. I think Wednesday or Thursday was the first day that I was up and doing things. We didn't leave the house until Friday. I hit the nesting stage though and went on a cleaning frenzy. Saturday, even though I was still sick, I couldn't stand it anymore and scrubbed our bathroom. I worked all day but it was very slow and thorough labor. Through all of last week, I tornado-ed through the house scrubbing every inch I could. Crazy crazy nesting mother. It feels so good to have a clean house. I have never liked cleaning but I couldn't stop myself last week. It was amazing. Right now I'm feeling very motivated to keep it sparkling. Lorna introduced me to this website called Flylady and I love it. I'm almost obsessed. So far it's helped keep things clean. I love it because it's all about loving yourself even when things aren't perfect and getting yourself into a routine so that chaos is a thing of the past.

Week 37

I feel much better now! Scarlett is considered "full-term" now so I suppose it could be any day now. My mom got into town yesterday and is watching me like I will pop any moment. She's more hoping that I will pop soon. I'm happy waiting for April. I had an appointment today and I'm 1 & 1/2 cm dilated and 70% effaced. Really that doesn't mean a whole lot but it's still exciting that things are starting. No matter what, within a month, I'll have a little girl! I'm so excited!

It's Official...

that I have redefined myself as a 26 year old, mini-van driving, Justin Bieber loving mom of two.

I guess we're van people after all. I'm really excited about our new car. I absolutely love the Jetta. Love love love love. This is just more practical for our little family. It's a 2004 Toyota Sienna and I'm in love with the color. It's not one of the new fancy shmancy vans, but it does have a DVD player and dual sliding doors. The best part is that it fits much better within our budget. Look at me being practical. The Jetta was beginning to feel a little tight with the car-seats and all and we realized that when people come to visit, we'd have to take two cars everywhere we go, unless, of course, they wanted to try and fit between the car-seats. I'm pretty excited to start my life as a minivan driving mom. Okay, I'm a little reluctant, but I'm still having fun.

34 Weeks

I switched practices this week. It's a little late in my pregnancy, I know, but my last visit with my OB left me feeling unsupported and hopeless. I asked my HypnoBirthing instructor and my good, natural childbirth friend for a recommendation and both gave me the name of the same midwife practice. So, at the beginning of February, I called and made an appointment. They are pretty popular and pretty busy but I had my first appointment this week. I don't think I can properly convey the great difference in the way I felt during and after visits with my former care-provider and with the kind woman who listened to my concerns with patience and Derek's birth story with incredulity. I felt great relief as she told me the things that I felt I had to talk my doctor into previously are standard practice for the midwives! I still have to have an IV and continuous monitoring because I'm attempting a VBAC but I do not have to have the epidural catheter inserted "just in case." I just feel so much more confident, safe, and supported in the kind of birth that I would like to have.

So anyway, that's the big excitement for the week. I still feel great and I can't believe that I'm 34 weeks. It's getting harder to sleep because my options are severely limited and I wake up with numb limbs. My back has started to kill me, just starting today. Small prices to pay, really, and I think it's my fault. I need to work on my posture. I sit on the couch at a slant too. I need to be better. I've taken out the exercise ball; that will be my new chair. We're in the home stretch! I'm so excited! Little Scarlett will be here before we know it! I better pick a middle name... I've narrowed it down to 4 or 5. Maybe I'll just take those to the hospital with me and decide when I see her. Hopefully I won't be on Morphine like I was when I named Derek. Haha. Seriously.